Tides of the Enigma

For my stepdad – David Cannon Helm – As I live, you live within me

February 23rd, 2019

I remember the day you died; The emotions I denied myself to feel in the aftermath come rushing back when I take the time to reflect on that season of ruin.

My home arose that morning like any other, but to discover you had passed away in the night. My youngest sister found you on the floor in a hallway, you must have known something was wrong and tried for help but there was none to be found. I had my own space on the property; I was awake before you had been found and came to know what had passed by the sounds of wailing from within the walls of our home.

I had asked myself what would happen if something ever were to happen to you. The dynamic of our family was complicated – to say the least. We relied upon you, and though we were safe in your shadow outside those bounds were those who sought to bring about our destruction; My family, whom you had chosen to love would be in jeopardy in your absence. When I came to know you had died, I knew with a certainty I have seldom felt since of the utter chaos and turmoil that was to come. In that moment I felt in my being that it would need to be me that was called to remain strong and steadfast through it all; My family needed a rock to stand upon, to bear the weight of our collective sorrow. I stood outside the backdoor and allowed myself to feel the weight of that cold reality for a few seconds before I hardened my heart. Then, with my emotions suppressed until further notice, I walked through the door to face anything that was to come.

Before the coroner had even arrived, your family was searching the house; Seizing any and all items of value which indeed were plentiful. Their behavior disgusted me, though I maintained a veneer of peace to maintain some semblance of stability. Their utter disregard for the loss of life was an abomination to the loss of love our family was grieving. Both sides maintained civility, for a while at least – but the sun had not set that day before one of your sons began making death threats toward my mother. Everything was beginning to burn.

Within 48 hours of your death, my family was packing up all of our belongings and moving out of our home because of the shear malice and hostility of your family. We were blessed to have a community that showered us with love and support, somebody had offered us up one of their homes so we would have a place of refuge. I remember loading up trailers in the pouring rain, and the raw emotion I felt during the whole process. On the outside and to those around me, I was calm and collected and led out to ensure my family and I were taken care of. But on the inside, I was murderously angry and distraught. I plotted death on another; imagining what it would be to squeeze the life out of our oppressors. My soul screamed for vengeance and for justice – both of which would be nowhere to be found. I swallowed those impulses, only allowing myself to be led by a spirit of resiliency, utter love and dedication to the protection of my family.

I have no words to describe my thankfulness for those whom poured their love out onto my family when all of this was occurring. In 48 hours we had come to lose our stepfather, our home, and the family business. Our community came together and provided us a home, pouring into us financially, and providing my mom with a job (and eventually a new restaurant for our family). They showed up to help us move – providing trailers, trucks, helping hands and love. It was a time of great extremes, riddled with paradox. On one hand, I saw in others the depths of greed, hate, and division. On the other, I witnessed an inexhaustible spirit of generosity, love, and support. Without this radical outpouring, I cannot say with confidence that I would have had the strength to face the situation in the manner that I did. The spirit of love from others allowed me to remain grounded, and helped to douse my animalistic emotions and impulses.

As for you, Dave, I miss you to this day. You were a father figure to me in a season when my own father and I were estranged. You loved with great intensity, you were so much larger than life. I love my father, but I learned from you aspects of life and manhood that I hadn’t learned from him. You revealed, and then filled, the gaps and errors of my ways. My family was never found wanting with you, you were truly a provider with a servant’s heart. I’ll never forget our time together, nor the spirit of strength and confidence you helped me step into. My only wish is that we had more time together – to stay up all night talking, or losing to you at chess. I will love you to the end of my days, and hope I will have made you proud despite all my iniquity. I know you would understand, and keep me close either way.