I sit here tonight
mending the heart
of a broken hearted boy that once wasn’t.
I shed no tears now
alienation from emotion
disconnecting from those pains
was the only way I discovered how to overcome.
But I heard a word today
and in an instant I was back
to all the defining moments
of innocence lost.
I still can’t express its gravity
but without words I feel it
the sources are too aspectual
over the years they have simply woven together
into a blanket of corrupted memories.
I don’t desire to change the past
or wonder why it had to happen to me
bad and good are both brought to be
but tonight I sit here in sorrow
lamenting the brokenness that came with it.
a truth?
I grew up as a home-schooled kid, the oldest of 4
my family was all that I treasured, even now
the memories of those early years are sacred
but when divorce shook our foundation
and domicide ensued
I poured everything into being a source of stability and security
for a fractured family.
Then I met you
a friend that became a place of escape
but you were older and just as broken
exposing me to things I never should’ve seen
and worse, to things I never should’ve done
but I feared losing what felt like all I had left
so it ensued.
Years went by
my soul festered and raged
at all my life had amounted to
and how disgusting I was.
truly, I can’t describe to you
the deep emptiness that I was;
Would you believe me if I told you,
that I would spend hours in isolation
staring at the wall, thoughtless?
Or that I’ve only scratched the surface
of those dark and empty years?
If you know me now, you may not
I’ve seized darkness’ control, I’m empowered by Light
but when the curtains are drawn, and I’m brought back
I reflect upon
the weight of being a foundation, prematurely
the abuse that led to shame and sexual brokenness
the abandonments
the deaths
how lonely it has all been
how apart from others I continue to feel
My heart laments tonight
but tomorrow, tomorrow I press on
as God renews my spirit
and comforts me, the broken.
Tides of the Enigma 